Mountain Views

External support

2011-10-05T11:55:00.000-07:00

I woke up today and didn't want to get up. I would have much preferred to bury my head under the pillow and try to go back to sleep. I say "try" because sleep is something that doesn't come frequently or stay very long for me. Raising teenagers, running two businesses in a crappy economy and just plain getting older has stressed me to limits I didn't even know existed. While my body is saying stop, sleep, rest my mind is saying how, when and why. The result being many a restless, sleepless night.

So today I just didn't want to do it. Things to me looked bleak and sad. I listened to country music while taking a shower and shed a few tears, hoping to just get it out of my system. There was quiet conversation with the kids as we went through our daily routine, but none of the laughing or smiling that usually accompanies the morning ritual. Derek sensed the mood immediately and to his credit steered clear, knowing that the simple question "Are you all right?" would probably bring me to my knees. And then they were gone and it was just me. I didn't want to go. I wanted to put my sweats on and curl up in a ball, feeling sorry for all that is going on right now. Why is life so hard? When will it get easier? Why do I feel so unhappy?

I must have been sending out a vibe to my friends and family. I got a text from my friend in South Carolina. Just a quick "hope you have a good day". It didn't cure my mood but for a split second I smiled. I quietly entered the office, head low, hoping no one wanted conversation. I buried my head in my work and after some time I heard my Mom coming into the office. An unannounced visit just to say "hi". And a hug. Amanda was next, at my desk after noticing on her way in that I was, perhaps, a little off today. Her gentle prodding and kind words reminding me that I am not in this alone. Then Derek, being pushy (which so isn't like Derek), forcing me to take a walk in the sunshine. We didn't talk much but rather held hands and enjoyed the blue sky and warmth on our faces, understanding each others needs to just be together.

Here I am 10 hours later. Nothing about my life has changed since this morning and yet I am smiling. I have incredible friends, the best mom in the world and a husband who just gets me. So to all of you I say thank you. I really needed it today.

Growing Pains

2011-03-21T14:31:00.000-07:00

Today I took my daughter to the doctor for a physical. She is 13 and needed to be cleared to play lacrosse. I hadn't given the appointment much thought, thinking only how much of my day would the long wait in the germ infested waiting room take and would the visit be covered under my ever-diminishing health insurance coverage. We checked in got forms to fill out and had a seat. 2 minutes later we were called in.

I should have realized this appointment would be different when one of the forms was for Julia to fill out and not me. It was a form about depression and peer pressure. As I watched her fill it out and read the questions, looking up at me as if to say "Why are they asking me this", I realized how much time has gone by.

Gone are the days when I had to haul the car seat in from the car along with my purse, keys and mammoth diaper bag. Often there would be a second kid in tow (Julia's brother Ben) and most times I was running late with the telltale "spit up" shoulder. Neither of my kids will ever be weighed in the small little scales that are in the exam rooms. Now they stand tall, reaching for every inch, straightening and perhaps growing right in front of my eyes.

Instead of the visit being about where my daughter fell on the growth chart or what types of food she was eating or even a nagging ear infection this visit focused on drugs, peer pressure and sex. Talk of how long she'd been walking was replaced by menstrual cramps and bullying. The shots offered this time weren't for the flu or chicken pox. Nope. It was for the human papilloma virus spread from sexual intercourse.

Oh. My. God. She's growing up right before my eyes. It doesn't seem possible that she could be old enough to answer such daunting questions about drug use and depression. But she is and she did. She handled all the questions with blunt honesty and candor.

She's my little girl. Only she's not so little anymore.

Forgiveness

2011-03-12T06:52:00.000-08:00

I'm teetering on the edge of forgiveness and anger. Without going into detail I have had a relationship with someone go sour and in the aftermath I find myself struggling. Struggling to sort through it, analyze it, re-live it, talk about it, not talk about it and of course question it. I've read articles on forgiveness, books on self improvement and had many conversations with friends and family on the right path to choose. But honestly, it's really hard.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. Some say it's easier to forgive then forget, but I disagree. There are days that go by that I do forget that things have changed. I live those days in denial and am blissfully unaware. I look forward to those days.

The other days (which outnumber those blissful days listed above) I struggle with. I can talk a good game about forgiveness, give advice to those who ask (and even sometimes those who don't) and explain all the negatives associated with NOT forgiving. I can watch a Dr. Phil show about the damage you can do to yourself by holding on to anger and wholeheartedly agree with him. Even shaking my head at the person on t.v. for not seeing for themselves the damage it is doing to them and those around them.

Yet here I am stuck between the anger and the forgiveness. I know its not doing me any good to rehash all that has happened in my mind, day after day, but I feel helpless to stop it. I admit that some days I feel up to the challenge of "letting it all go" and on those days I do feel pretty good. Am I just in denial those days or is forgiveness something that needs to be worked at to keep it going? Is forgiveness a skill? The more you do it the better you get? If that's the case then I guess I need practice.

So I'll start here and now. I forgive you.

Extended Family

2010-09-07T09:38:00.000-07:00

I had the luxury of being home with my kids this summer. A few days of work scattered here and there but for the most part I was a full time Mom. Lazy days by the pool. Trips to Lake George or Vermont. Days spent just hanging around, knowing we had endless days ahead of us to spend together. It has been everything I hoped it could be and more.

I also had the privilege of having my parents live at the bottom of our driveway for most of the summer in their RV. In and out of the driveway I'd go, taking the kids here and there, waving at my folks on my way by. Stopping down for a mid-morning chat with my Mom. A family dinner on the back deck. Chats with my Dad about house stuff. It, too, was everything I hoped it could be.

Now, as the summer is coming to an end and the kids are headed back to school in a few days I find myself thinking a lot about this summer. I am so lucky. I will remember this summer and smile. My kids will tell stories of the summer their Grandparents lived with them. We made memories just being together.

Comfort Zone

2010-08-02T17:30:00.001-07:00

Ok. It's time to get out of my comfort zone.

I'm a close to the vest kind of girl. I share but I'd rather listen. Blogging has been a big step forward for me. I enjoy writing and often feel better after I write. So why not jump in with both feet?

On Thursday I am heading down to BlogHer in New York City with two girls from the office. Both are avid bloggers with a lot more experience in the blogging world than me. I'm hoping to learn a lot and perhaps come out of my shell a little. It's scary, but in a good kind of way.

Here's to stepping out.

Living in the Moment

2010-07-30T10:38:00.000-07:00

I have said the words myself.

Too many times to count.

I have counseled friends, family and even those I didn't really know, advising them to live in the moment, savor each precious second good or bad, be present.

And yet I have trouble actually doing it. There are days when I'm pretty good at it. Letting the daily chores go in favor of swimming with the kids. Leaving work projects for another day to sit quietly and read. But for the most part I am constantly thinking and anticipating what comes next. Living anywhere but in that moment.

There's been a fire.....

Life constantly tries to remind me that there are many more things out of my control than in my control but I do not listen. I'm too worried about what's going to happen later in the day, over the weekend or next month.

I've been in an accident....

I am stubborn. I think that by anticipating whats going to happen I'll be ready or prepared. That somehow things will be easier if I can just figure it all out. That I can certainly be doing things to accomplish just that much more.

We're going to have to let him go....

Why is it so hard for me to just be? To be thankful for whats happening right now. To be grateful for the ups and downs I've been handed. To cherish the infinite number of moments during the day when I am so blessedly lucky. Why must I always get caught up in the other stuff?

Will you marry me....

I have a wonderful life, filled with beautiful people, loving family and unbelievable memories. I have the most incredible husband who loves me more than I think I will ever know. We are best friends. He makes me laugh. He holds my hand and dries my tears.

It's a girl....

I have fantastic children. A daughter who is a lovely young lady with hopes, dreams, goals, talent and great sense of humor. She plays a mean violin and can hold her own on the piano. She will still hold my hand (at least when no one is looking) and has grades that could get her into an ivy league school. She is kind. She is considerate. She is beautiful.

It's a boy....

A son who is healthy, strong, athletic and respectful, with a great sense of humor. He is an avid fisherman and would opt for hours on the bank of a river for a video game any day of the week. He is smart and caring and he too, still holds my hand. He loves school, his friends and just hanging with his family. He is sweet. He is handsome.

It's going to be okay....

I am blessed.

I will try harder to be present for every breath, every laugh, every tear, every moment. Not because I've been told to or because I have a sign in my house that says so. But because it is these moments that have brought me to this one. It is these moments that have made me who I am. It is these moments that have given me my life.

I will try harder.

Rebuilding

2010-06-06T08:29:00.000-07:00

There is a house that we are cheering for. One day this past December it burned, not to the ground, but close enough. We had been to Connecticut for the holidays and in the last few miles before our house we saw the black shell of the house that used to be there. We all took a breath, pausing as the memories came flooding back. Speechless we looked at each other wondering what had happened? How could this have happened? The last few minutes of the drive to our house were spent reliving the pain that exists from the day our life changed in an instant.

We don't know the people who own the house but in a way we are connected. Our house burned a few years ago. An accident. Candles on the porch. It happened at night and it happened swiftly. We got the kids out and the dog, then sat on the trail and watched our history and our memories go up in flames. Although time has passed, I am there feeling those emotions each time I pass this house. The feelings are bittersweet, sometimes more bitter than sweet. But we find ourselves celebrating each of the little victories that were so important to us.

The day they bulldozed what was left of the house.

The empty hole.

The foundation.

The walls.

The roof.

We cheer for this little house being built, remembering the walks through our house being built. Still reeling from the pain of our loss but somehow trying to fathom that this new structure was to be our home.

It is our home. These are our memories. The old house and the new house. The experience.

And we continue to cheer for that little house being built.

A constant reminder of all that we have to be thankful for.

Surgical strength

2010-02-25T18:15:00.000-08:00

Ben had to have surgery on his ears. Again. His third surgery in 4 years and even though it is probably the smallest of the surgeries it was by far the hardest. At the ripe age of 10 Ben was fully aware of what would happen.

Rewind to the doctors office. It's like Ben knew this was a pivotal day. We'd been following up with the doctor frequently because his ears were getting progressively worse. Each time we'd get in the car the conversation was the same.

"Mom, what's he gonna do?"

"He's gonna look in your ears."

"Is that it? Is that all he's gonna do?"

"I don't know Ben. He needs to do what he needs to do."

"But what if he says I need surgery?"

Soothingly..."We'll cross that bridge when we get to it."

The fact that Derek was with us on this particular trip is probably what tipped him off. He was apprehensive in the car and very quiet. While we were waiting for the doctor the games of I Spy and Bubble Gum we'd played on previous visits were of no interest to him. The doctor came in, did his exam and gave us the news. As he described the state of Ben's ears and the need for the surgery Ben sat quietly, a few large tears sneaking beneath his glasses. The date was set and the countdown to "the day" began.

There were times in these past few weeks when I would look and Ben and know that he was thinking about the surgery. A look in his eye would reveal his apprehension. Occasionally he'd ask: "How many days til my surgery?". I'd give him the answer and he'd shake his head.

The night before the surgery was brutal. We tried to keep him busy, keep his mind off of it but it was impossible. The next morning he was slow to get out of bed. He couldn't eat or drink anything so we all went without breakfast. When it was time to go I went to get him in his room and he was sitting silently, crying. I thought my heart would break.

The trip down was just as brutal with a few failed attempts to distract.

Finally we were there. Finally we were called in. As he undressed and got into the surgical gown he was trying so hard to keep it together. The tears were flowing but he was trying to be brave. He took the medicine and started to relax a little. It was time to for us to go. I gave him a hug, told him I loved him, and that I'd be there when he woke up. A few feet out the door I was a sobbing mess.

He did great. He is my brave little boy.

As tough as that day was for all of us it made me acutely aware of what's important. My family, our health and our love for one another. The pure emotion in that day won't soon be forgotten. I am so thankful for that day and for the way it made me feel.

Milestone

2009-12-14T15:02:00.000-08:00

Well, we hit a milestone over the weekend. I'm still trying to grapple with my feelings on this one. Julia lost her third tooth in three weeks on Friday. This is huge for her in that she hates losing teeth. In fact, her orthodontist is amazed at how long she can actually keep her loose teeth in her mouth. So we packaged it up, put it in tissue and a small zip lock bag and put it under her pillow. We did all of this for the tooth fairy, even though Julia found out a few months ago that the tooth fairy didn't exist. She stumbled upon a dish of teeth that I had stored in the back of my jewelry cupboard. A sad day for both of us. She cried. I cried.

But this isn't the milestone I'm referring to.

Even though the trauma of the tooth fairy not being real hit hard I still held on to a shred of hope that she would continue to believe in Santa Claus. I've been very careful this year about not mentioning it too much for fear of bringing attention to a subject I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about. We didn't write letters to Santa but instead created a "list". Ben was sure that Santa could see the list at anytime from anywhere so not sending letters was okay. I tried not to use the phrase "Santa is watching" as this was sure to get an eye roll from Julia (most everything does these days). And, I've held off on putting their presents under the tree that I already have wrapped so that it will be evident Christmas morning that Santa came. Because surely I couldn't keep that many presents hidden in this house without someone finding them.

But, it happened. I was tucking Julia in Friday night, tucking the tooth under her pillow for the "tooth fairy" which she now knows is me. She looks at me and says "Mom, I know Santa isn't real". There it was. The sentence I had been dreading ever since the revelation about the tooth fairy. I paused, inhaled and asked in a silly voice "What do you mean he's not real? I believe in him."

"Mom. You don't have to pretend."

"Jules, I'm not pretending. I believe."

She looked at me long and hard. Trying to hide the nervous smile that creeps onto her face when she's dealing with emotions.

"Really?"

"Really."

"Okay" she said with a wink. And that was that. The moment I'd been dreading was done. In 30 seconds it was over. Phew.

Here's what I learned, though. Even though she realizes that Santa isn't real, she also proved to me that she has the ability to pretend he is. And that maybe, just maybe, there is still a little, tiny part of her that does believe. Just like me.

Swine Blues

2009-10-30T05:45:00.000-07:00

I'm home today with a sick daughter. This is day number 4 of watching her battle a virus that I'm pretty sure is the dreaded Swine Flu. She doesn't just have a few of the symptoms, she has them all. And although I know that it needs to run its course it has been a very long and trying week.

Our first day home on Tuesday her spirits (and mine) were good. We thought it was just a cold and were secretly excited about being home together for a sick day. This meant movies and snuggling, snacking and jammies, and maybe even a nap. She lounged on the couch while I attended to her every need and enjoyed mothering her. I was able to catch up on laundry and cleaning that never got done over the weekend while she napped and rested.

On Wednesday I was still happy to keep her home. She was feeling better but I thought with all the flu stuff going around it was better to keep her home until she really felt good. She fought me a little, having had enough of "mom time" yesterday. The thought of movies and resting kind of lost its appeal. But she gave in we replayed the roles from the previous day. By the afternoon she had showered and was working on her missed homework that I had picked up for her earlier that day. She was trying to prove to me that she felt better, trying to get me to let her go to an orchestra event that was scheduled for that night. I gave in and agreed that if she felt up to it she could go for part of it. She was happy and feeling better (so I thought). 6:00 o'clock came and I said, "okay Jules, let's do this". She looked up at me from her bean bag chair with tears streaming down her face and said "I don't feel good". She'd been fighting it all day, putting on a brave face and trying to tell herself she felt fine. She had fooled me but now it was obvious she couldn't do it any more.

Here we are now, still sick. Doctor's appointment today but I know in my mind what they will say. "It needs to run its course". This is by far one of the hardest jobs as a mom. I am exhausted just watching her go through this. I'm angry at myself for those few times in the last couple days that I gritted my teeth when she asked for something, for the twelth time in an hour. I am craving a normal day-her going to school, me going to work and feeling like I've accomplished something. But most of all, I miss my happy little girl. I want her to feel better.

Tough Day

2009-10-08T18:05:00.000-07:00

You know those days that creep on you, when your emotions simply take over and you lose all control and composure? It happened to me yesterday, a compilation of many issues that lead to a complete breakdown. I couldn't have controlled it if I wanted to. The timing was completely wrong. I was trying to get ready for a night out with my husband, a new babysitter had just arrived and I was trying to get dinner on the table before we left. The phone rings and in ten minutes I'm a puddle. As I watched the room around me blur from my tears, I tried without success to stifle my sobs. This had, however, been building from weeks of stress and an emotional roller coaster. And I had opened the flood gates. So I let it out.

After a little while I hear a very soft murmur of my name. "Mama?". I tried to hide my face but it was too late. Julia had come in to get something and seeing me crying she was instantly afraid. "Mama, what's wrong?". I couldn't even speak. So she held me and I let it out. She patted my hair and stroked my cheek. She wiped my tears and told me that everything was going to be okay.

When did my little girl become so grown up? In that moment our roles were reversed. Her holding me while a cried as if my heart was broken, reminding me of all the times when I had simply held her and let her cry it out. It was just what I needed and as her little girl arms encircled me I felt a little peace and the sadness subsided. I knew she was there for me and it was exactly what I needed.

I am so grateful for my Julia. My little girl. My grown up girl. My girl.

High Ropes

2009-08-15T11:52:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling you get when you're high above everything? Whether it's at the top of a long climb and your looking at the view, or your taking off in a plane and are watching as things down below get smaller and smaller or even when you reach the top of the stairs and you turn around to look at something down below? You know that feeling... kind of a twinkle in your belly, a lightheadedness?

Well I experienced that today at the high ropes course at Double H Ranch in Lake Luzerne. I have spent the last week volunteering as a nurse at this wonderful camp for children with life threatening illnesses. Some are wheelchair bound due to their illness while others have illnesses that allow them to be up and walking around like the rest of us. Today it didn't matter which category the kids were in-they all went on the high ropes course. The wheelchair kids were removed from their chairs and placed in seats with ropes and carabeaners already attached. They were hoisted and guided up and into harnesses made especially for their seats. They were attached to the zip line and sent soaring through the air like eagles, flying and weightless. Peels of laughter and screams of joy could be heard throughout the forest as could the cheers from their fellow campers down below.

So that feeling, that "flying" feeling... I felt that today, only me feet were still firmly planted on the ground. I felt it though, just by watching these kids fly! I will remember it always...

Packing

2009-08-11T09:18:00.001-07:00

So, today I leave for Double H Ranch up in Lake Luzerne for a week of volunteering. When I signed up (back in February) I was very excited and couldn't wait for the week to get here. This past week has been filled with more excitement and some anxiety about what to expect when I get there. However, the main focus has been on the incredible amount of packing.

I have been stressing about how many items are on the "what to pack" list so graciously sent to me by the Ranch. Not only did I receive one but I got one for both of my kids, who will also be attending for a week (a awesome perk for volunteers). I have been frantically running around making sure that we all had enough warm weather clothes, cold weather clothes, bathing suits, towels, etc. We shopped into the night last night for small shampoo and conditioner containers, mini soaps, hair bands, flashlights and batteries. And I have spent hours doing laundry to ensure that all the right blankets, sheets and pillows were clean and ready for our journey. All this while I have been fretting... "Did I forget anything?", "Did I pack enough"? "What if it rains the whole time?" (not a far stretch considering the summer we've had). "Will the kids be warm enough with the blankets I packed?".

Wham! It hit me.

While I'm "stressing" about the everyday items I need to pack, the other parents with kids going to the Ranch are hoping they've packed enough syringes and medicines. Enough inhalers and trach supplies. Enough bandages and catheters. You see this isn't just an ordinary summer camp. This is Double H Ranch, a camp for kids with life threatening illnesses. Other parents would probably give anything to have the simple stresses of packing that I have. So I will not stress any more about what did or didn't get packed. I will simply let this week at the Ranch adjust my perspective, fill me with joy and be grateful for my healthy children.

The Last Day

2009-06-28T18:20:00.000-07:00

We will experience that "last day" feelings many times in our lives.

The last day being single before we become one of a pair.

The last day in an apartment before making the move to your first house.

The last day of being just a couple before welcoming your first child.

Simple things like the last day of a good sale or the last day to sign up the kids for little league.

But there is no feeling quite like your kids last day of school. The anticipation builds for what feels like months, but is really only weeks. Every task at school revolves around the "last day". Plans are laid with the "last day" in mind. There are parties to celebrate and celebrations to commemorate. There are chorus concerts and orchestra concerts and the last baseball games of the season. There are final tests and cramming of math facts. There are half days, that let's be honest, are more like thirds of a day, with dismissal mid morning.

As the bus rolled up I could hear the cheering. Kids were laughing and giggling with the anticipation of the upcoming summer. Kim, the bus driver, honked her horn in a symphony of sound, celebrating herself another good year and giving the kids Popsicles as they departed one last time. The kids got off and as the bus rolled away there were tears in my eyes as I realized this was the last day I'd have a 6th grader and a 3rd grader. The last day I'd have a child in elementary school. The last day of another year that went by way too fast.

Holding Hands

2009-06-01T13:13:00.000-07:00

We went to Lake Placid over the weekend. A spur of the moment family getaway. After it was booked I contemplated canceling it. It seemed like a good idea at the the time but did I really want to pack and get someone to watch the dog and put off the laundry and house cleaning... My daughter was excited at first but as the weekend drew near other opportunities for fun with her friends were lurking. She was good about it and I could tell that there was part of her that wanted to be excited about going away with her family and part of her that wanted to be the typical tween and complain about it. In any event, we went.

The resort was fantastic. An indoor pool, a heated outdoor pool, fishing for the boys & shopping for the girls. It would be hard for a kid not to have fun and still I wondered - was Julia happy to be here or did she wish she was home? Two years ago or even a year ago I wouldn't have had a moments hesitation that she'd be completely happy to be there. But as I navigate these emotional tween years I'm not sure about anything when it comes to Julia.

Saturday night we decided to go to the movies in the old theatre on the Main street. Since we couldn't come to a consensus on what movie we all wanted to see, we split up-the boys went to see "The Terminator" and Julia and I opted for Disney's "Up". We found a seat near the front and watched as several groups of kids, a lot of them Julia's age, gathered in groups. Again I couldn't help thinking to myself that she wished she was with her friends and not her Mom. The lights dimmed and the movie started and then something completely unexpected happened. She reached over and took my hand. My soon-to-be-twelve-year-old was holding my hand in a public place.

I was stunned. I was shocked. But most importantly I was unbelievably thankful. I will cherish that time and hold onto it forever. She is still my little girl.

Waiting

2009-05-20T12:59:00.000-07:00

Waiting in line at the grocery store can be painful. Shifting your weight. Glancing at the person in front of you. Is she really writing a check? God, why is she buying so much toilet paper? Did I get everything on my list? Jeez, what's taking so long?

Waiting for the Julia to get her school stuff together can be excruciating.

"Julia, you got everything?"
"Yes, Mom."
"Do you have gym today?"
"Oh, crap, I need to get some clothes. Hold on."
"Julia, we only have 3 minutes til the bus comes!"
"I'm getting them right now!"

Sigh. Deep breath.

Why does it seem like I'm always waiting? Waiting for the dog to go to the bathroom before we go to bed. Waiting for Ben to brush his teeth. Waiting for the accountant to tell us what we owe. Waiting for Derek to turn off the sprinklers. Waiting for the light to turn green.

Waiting for results on a repeat, abnormal mammogram... somehow makes all the other stuff seem not so bad.

Mothers Day

2009-05-11T13:16:00.001-07:00

I was on Twitter this morning and read a post from a friend that read "Mother's Day is weird." At first I thought how can she think Mother's Day is weird? I mean, come on, it's Mother's Day. The day we are celebrated for all the great things we do as moms. The day we don't have to do anything. We can just sit and eat chocolates and watch movies. N0 laundry or dishes. No cleaning the bathrooms. No grocery shopping.

But the more I think about my day yesterday the more I got to thinking it is actually a little weird. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved my day yesterday. Morning snuggles with all four of us in one bed. Homemade breakfast instead of my usual wheat toast. Hand made gifts from the kids with hand written cards. Flowers from Derek. A great day for sure.

But I'm lucky because often I get these same things on an ordinary Saturday. I'm blessed that my husband and children appreciate me every day. Derek will give me flowers for no reason. Ben will crawl into bed with me and just snuggle, rubbing my cheeks and saying "I love you, Mommy". Julia will share a secret with me and we will both be content in knowing that I'll keep that secret, forever. These are "mothers days" to me. Each day has a "mothers moment" for me. Sometimes I have to stand back to see what that moment was. But it's always there.

The laundry and shopping, cleaning and cooking, homework and basebell practice...it's part of who I am and what I do. I love being a Mom. I love being Julia and Ben's mom. I don't need a single day to know that I am loved and appreciated. I feel it every day.

Texting with my daughter

2009-04-03T13:29:00.000-07:00

If you had asked me a year ago about my thoughts on texting I think it would be completely different than my thoughts on it now. "My daughter will never have a cell phone for texting"....I believe those words came out of my mouth. Many conversations with my husband about other parents who allowed their children to have phones and how we weren't going to be like that. Like many things along the parenting trail we didn't exactly follow through with those good intentions.

I was the first to cave. When you have a tweenage daughter it's hard to not want to be on their "good side". There's a fine line between the parent and friend relationships, a line that can shift on a daily basis. So we started with a pay-as-you-go phone, one she had to earn money to keep minutes on it. I was happy to see that once the newness of having a phone wore off it was rarely used. That was 5th grade.

Here we are in 6th grade, the dreaded middle school, and the minutes have long since expired on the pay-as-you-go phone. So the question comes and I am completely caught off guard. "Mom, can I get a phone, a real phone? All of my friends have them and it would help me stay in contact with you". True? I wasn't so sure but, with the support of my Mom (the indulgent Grammy) we went ahead and got the phone. My husband had doubts and I was desperately trying to feel good about siding with my daughter on this one.

The texting she did was fascinating to me and believe it or not half of the texts were to me. We are continuing to navigate this new world and so far she has proven to be very responsible with it.

Here is the whole reason for this entry. Yesterday, my phone vibrates-I have a new text. It's from my daughter. "I got a hug today from a boy". I stare at the phone. Did she really just confide in me via text? As I sort through what my response should be a second text comes through. "He's really cute". My not-so-nimble fingers struggle to get a message typed, but I do. "Does he have a girlfriend?". I wait...was that the right thing to say? Before I have enough time to question myself a response appears. "No. But I really like him". I reply, a little quicker this time, "Take it slow-make him work for it". pause. send. wait. "Of course. Why would I make it easy?".

Texting with my daughter. Having conversations. Communicating. Talking about boys. Who would have thought?

Brothers

2009-03-31T18:33:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity to spend a day with my brother today, something that in years past would have terrified me. What would I say? Did we have anything in common to talk about? Would we be able to get past "the past"?

I was oblivious, growing up, that I was treated any differently by my parents. My brothers, 5 and 7 years older than me, always seemed to be at different life stages than me. They were in high school and I was still struggling through puberty. I made it to high school and they were off to college. I graduated college, started a family and had children-they were still single and living life. It wasn't until they both got married and did not ask me to be in their weddings that I finally realized my relationship with both of them was close to being nonexistent. Seems petty, I know, to feel hurt that I was not included in the wedding party but I'm sentimental like that. They were the first on my "whose in the wedding party" list so I guess I just assumed I'd be on theirs as well. Lots of champagne and tears helped me get through both weddings.

Fast forward a few years. They are both married and both have kids. In the past year we have made great strides in our relationships, realizing that family is extremely important to all of us. There have been rough spots, but as we navigate through them we seem to be growing closer each and every day. My kids love spending time with their cousins and I am enjoying getting to know my brothers again.

Today I spent the day with my brother and it was a great day.

Tax Time

2009-03-30T14:19:00.000-07:00

Nothing can bring on fear and anxiety to a person like tax time. As the owners of a small business we have become quite aware of how unsettling our lives can become around tax time. No matter how prepared we feel we are it seems that we always come up short. There has never been a scenario that "oops, you've paid in way too much and we're going to send it back". Anytime an overpayment has occurred it's "a good thing" as our accountant puts it because we ARE going to owe in the months to come. It seems silly to complain about-it's not going to change. However, as I sat with our accountant today I was humbled by the fact that although taxes are scary, our business is flourishing and we are able to continue to do what we love...at least for now.

First Timer

2009-03-24T14:02:00.000-07:00

It's taken a long time to get to this point. I'll admit that I'm afraid of blogging or at least I was until this very moment in time. Wondered about it, sure. Thought is was a passing thing, absolutely. Feel like I might enjoy it, maybe. Honestly though, the idea of putting myself out there for anyone to see is scary. Maybe even more scary is putting a finger on 'myself', being able to write honestly without putting up any fronts. I am just now learning how to be myself-mom, wife, daughter, friend, sister, coworker-and find it can be challenging to find some sense of self when the day is done. I try to give anything I do my all but at the end of the day just giving it something can be a challenge.

So this is me in a nutshell. Married to a wonderful man that I met in college for 16 years. Two beautiful children-Julia, independent but a hand holder (as long as we aren't in public) at 11 and Ben-my sweet boy at 9. Living on 27 acres that we bought from my parents on the side of a mountain in the town I grew up in. Working for a company that my husband and I have helped create over the past 5 years. Patching up my relationships with my brothers after many rocky years. Discovering how to live in the moment.

Gosh, it all sounds so perfect, very Normal Rockwell. However, I can assure you that it is not all peaches and cream. There are so many things that have gotten me to where I am right now, just outside a doorway that leads to great things, just about to take the step. Am I scared-absolutely. But excited at the same time. Let's just see how it goes, shall we?